For My Non-Facebook Readers

25 Amazing Facts About My Life

1. When I was born, I had a rough trip down the birth canal and I had a conehead. My parents thought that I had a deformity.

2. This is so nerdy, but I LOVE Jeopardy. He denies it, but I beat my dad at the computer game when I was 13. My friend Monica and I watched it almost everyday when we were in Honduras , but we would mute out when the contestants introduced themselves, because that part is so awkward that it makes me uncomfortable and we wanted to talk. In fact, I am watching it right now.

3. After an intense session of praying to the porcelain god (not capitalizing for obvious reasons), my eye makeup was all over my face. As I was writhing in agony on the floor, my little brother walked by, looked at my makeup and asked, “Circus in town?”

4. When I was in high school, I had a job where I changed diapers and gave enemas to disabled adults. Once I had to go home because a diarrhea blowout ended up in my hair. Every time people complain about changing baby diapers I am skeptical. KEEP READING, this is the only disgusting one, I think.

5. I was a Type A child and once in 4th grade, I forgot my homework. I started crying so hysterically that the teacher had to remove me from the room. While we were in the hall, she kept trying to figure out what was REALLY whipping me into such a frenzy. She figured that no kid would be that upset about missing homework. She was wrong.

6. My junior year my friend Stephanie and I skipped our History class (if you were in that class, you skipped it too) to go visit a teacher at another school (this is nerdy in itself).. I accidentally locked my keys in the car, while they were still in the ignition. I couldn’t call my mom to bring me the spare key for more than an hour, because I didn’t want her to know that I wasn’t in school. Good thing it only cost $9 to fill my car back then.

7. Once at a family reunion my cousin Ryan said, “Let me translate that for you” and started barking at me. I chased him, body slammed him and stuffed grass into his mouth. He aged well and is now cool and I have my anger issues under control.

8. Another time, some bullies pushed my little brother over as he was trying to learn how to skate. My sister and I became enraged and started chasing them while pelting tennis balls at their heads.

9. My cousin Brandon wanted to run for President of BYU (that idea died), and you had to be an officer of a club or something to qualify. Thus, we made up this club called “Latin Roots” to celebrate our Mexican heritage. I even got a faculty sponsor from the Spanish department. Every meeting (and I think that there were two) consisted of us eating at a Mexican restaurant with our non-latino friends.

10. I’ve been to Cuba-BYU was an accessory to that crime- and despite what Michael Moore says, I would not like to be hospitalized there (although I had a colonoscopy in Honduras, so never say never). For the dignity of everyone involved, I will omit the part where we put on Che hats and pretended to be communists.

11. My dad doesn’t like when we say this, but my mother loves fat men. Her celebrity crushes are Haus from Bonanza and Hurley from LOST.

12. I can't say no. Once when I was walking home from BYU a random girl shouted at me, "Hey you, give me a ride. I need to go pick up my food stamps." I took my roommate Anth with me for safety.

13. When I was 21 I got into an argument with a girl and shouted, “Make my day!” As soon as I said it, I knew the gravity of what I had done and said, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever said.” However, I was outdone a few days later when my friend Tiff threatened someone with, “See if you have any friends left!”

14. I fell in the sewer when I was 9 years old and my cousins left me to die because we were in the middle of a scavenger hunt (I’m going to tag you two so you know that I didn’t forget). In a valiant act of heroism, my 7-year-old sister ran and got help.

15. After 25 years of pristine language, I accidentally dropped the f-bomb. I was telling a story to my friend Kristina and I was quoting someone. Instead of substituting, I said the real thing and suddenly stopped and threw my hands over my mouth, in shock. She hadn’t even notice until I did that, but she was proud to be there for my big day.

16. I fought my whole class on the pronunciation of the word “colonel.” Ok, I was wrong.

17. I hate sports, but when the Chicago Bulls were really good, I proudly sported a a Threepeat shirt (5th gradeish).

18. Thanks to my beloved ex-roommate Angela, I drink a spinach smoothie everyday. If you would like the recipe, send me a message. My immunity is stellar.

19. Once I got into a vehicle in Honduras with some guy I didn’t know, because my friends strode confidently towards his car. His claims to fame were that he had been drinking since 11:00 a.m. and that his daughters guest starred on an episode of Alf.

20. My brother and I almost filled out a whole Cafe Rio incentive card in one weekend.

21. I got so nervous during an episode of 24 that I automatically started praying for Jack Bauer to successfully dismantle the bomb and to save Los Angeles.

22. I had to play the piano at a Mormon function in a soccer stadium where one of the top leaders was present (Elder Scott for those in the know). Thanks to Honduran standard time I was really late and missed the prelude and the opening song. Sorry guys, but it did not sound good without me.

23. Due to a liberal teacher, I organized this “Save the World” club in 3rd grade. I was trying to be a vegetarian, but my dad didn’t support my goal. By the third day he forced me to eat meatloaf while he had a stopwatch running (don’t call Family Services, it was funny).

24. I was a carney (spelling) for one beautiful day, selling jewelry cleaner. I'm pretty sure that my friend Michelle was there for that wonderful trip down the socioeconomic ladder.

25. It was my Finnish coworker’s birthday and my roommate and I painstakingly made a cake that looked like the Finnish flag (this took more than an hour). I was the first one there, so I had to enter a code. As I was opening the door, I dropped the cake, flag side down. And that, my friends, was the saddest moment of my life.