In Which a Strange Man Encourages Miss Jill to Disrobe

Last night a homeless woman approached my roommate and me and demanded that we buy her a cup of coffee so that she would be allowed to sit inside of Starbucks. I paused and looked at the woman helplessly, thinking that I wouldn’t even spend $3+ on a drink for myself. However, it is very difficult for me to say no and I just stood there, mute. I was on the verge of giving in when my roommate grabbed my arm and forcibly extricated me from the situation. I was very grateful, because it might just be the antithesis of Mormonism to buy someone coffee on the Sabbath.

That being said, homeless people are a very large part of my life. One of my favorite homeless people is Nicotina, a woman who lives outside of City Mall in Honduras. Because she has her own Facebook fan club, I was able to obtain this photo:



Everyone says that she used to be a doctor or a lawyer who somehow ended up dreadlocked and living off of the good will of others. I gave her half of a hamburger once, so she probably does quite well for herself.

Now that I live in New York, I come in contact with Nicotina’s Yankee/Yanqui brothers and sisters on a daily basis. Two weeks ago, I was going home from church on the subway and was lucky enough to meet a sprightly little man who, for the purposes of this blog, we will call Gollum. He sprang into the subway car and immediately began to dance with a change cup in his hand. He exclaimed, “Hello everyone! I’m going to perform for y’all today. I can do it all! I speak English, I speak Spanish and even some Chinese.” Then he stood directly above an i-poded Asian girl (she looked Korean to me) and yelled “Ni hao! (hello in Chinese)” She didn’t respond, so he got even closer and rasped “Ni hao!”

After several more failed attempts at showcasing his Chinese skills, Gollum gave up and started singing. It sounded like a monotone version of this: !#@$!@#KDFJLKSADJGVDAIOSFJK#@$!L@K#$JKLADJFLKSDAJFKLJEWALKEJFLKJASDFLKJASDLKFJ and he was cracking more than a junior high boys choir.

He took a deep breath and launched into a similarly dissonant melody and started pointing to me as he sang. I was deeply touched, because it was the first time that a man has dedicated a song to me. That’s worth 50 cents. After I paid up, I was able to decipher, “Now take off all your clothes!” I gave him 50 cents for indiscernible Nelly?

The grand finale was “Gasolina” by Daddy Yankee and then he hopped out of my life as quickly as he had entered it.