The Whole Foods/Sterility Connection

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A COMMENTARY ON WHOLE FOODS, IT IS JUST A SYMBOL OF A HEALTHY, ORGANIC LIFESTYLE

Everyday in the city I see people proudly displaying their Whole Foods bags. I look at them with envy, because my salary is the recession special and I would be just as likely to be caught carrying a Hermès bag (not the unmarked ones people are using now to hide their purchases from the angry masses). However, this was not always the case.

Back in August my roommate, her strange co-worker “Bo” and I went on a detox. It involved taking these expensive pills and eliminating all processed foods of any kind. Bo dropped out midway because he said that the detox changed his body so much that he was unable to eat a chicken sandwich from a hospital cafeteria without becoming ill. I felt terrible that he had to endure such deprivations.

I, on the other hand, was awesome at the detox. I felt like I was starving to death, yet lost no weight. To stay alive, we would go to Sweet Tomatoes and eat vegetables until we wanted to pass out, while my roommate’s sister enjoyed mac & cheese and assorted desserts right in front of us. Things were going well, until I realized that my period was 8 days late. That is where most of you will say, “Where is the problem?” However, my eggs are already rapidly aging and I have been Mormon long enough to know where my value lies. The days went on and on, without excruciating death cramps, and I didn’t know what to do.

When my co-worker started checking up with me about my “Immaculate Conception problem,” I knew that action had to be taken. As this blog contains no baby ticker, I think that you know how this ends. I came home one day, starving, and opened the fridge to see hundreds of vegetables in varying stages of freshness. I slammed the door shut and started dialing a local pizza place. In one fell swoop, I happily destroyed a month of meticulous eating and my period started again the very next morning.