Going to the grocery store in my neighborhood is a precarious task, because it is difficult to predict when it will be too busy. When I first moved here, I went to the local Pathmark at 11:00 a.m. and it looked like WalMart in Appalachia on Black Friday. I was in line for 38 minutes, eavesdropping on profanity laced cell phone conversations concerning the crowd for the entire time. My roommate's boyfriend said that the best time to go was during prime time television, but that's a little late for my taste, so I have been going on Saturday at 8:00 a.m. This has proven to be a smart move.
This morning I was waiting to check out with the following items (I promise that this is relevant): bananas, spinach, peppers and wheat bread. The man behind me eyed my purchases suspiciously and asked, "Is you some kind of vegetarious or something?" "No," I answered. "I just don't like cooking meat." This is true. Once I helped my roommate separate chicken for Hawaiian haystacks (of course this was for church) and I started dry heaving. Admitting that probably adversely affects my marriagability, but it is true. My new friend continued, "Once I went to my friend's house and I started looking through his kitchen and I realized there wasn't no meat there. And I was shocked and asked him, 'Is you some kind of vegetarious or something? Why wouldn't you tell me that before I came?'" That is an interesting friendship deal breaker.
Since I had been subjected to his judgment, I looked over to see what he was buying and rushed home so I could write this while I still remember:
6 2 liter sodas
5 cans of Spam
2 boxes of generic brand Cap'n Crunch
Entenmanns Coffee Cake
Entenmanns Pound Cake
2 boxes of Chips Ahoy
Potato Chips
Bagel Bites (ok I was jealous of that one)
Maybe I appear to be a vegetarious to the untrained eye, but at least I'm not one bite away from insulin shock.
i really enjoyed this jill. nice.
ReplyDeleteMy PathMark cart is usually full of the exact same items. Except Spam is too expensive. I just thought of a new joke:
ReplyDeleteQ: What does a vegetarious eat?
A: Capricorn!
Thank you, thank you...
Wow, mystery meat (spam) and junk food! I can see why your cart was such a shock for him. :-) And about not liking to cook meat . . . Once when I was a teenager, my mother asked me to pound the steaks we were having for dinner to make them more tender. So I did. It totally made me sick and I couldn't eat steak for over a year. I am over it now though (although I have never pounded a steak since). I don't like dealing with raw meat, but I have been able to do it. So . . I understand. :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Jill! Just thought I'd return the 'hi'. This story just blows my mind--'vegitarious'?! I think this blog is probably going to be my new fav! I love weird people stories.
ReplyDeleteJeff is a genius.
ReplyDeleteSo are you. Thanks for hurrying home; the magic of the story really lies in the comprehensiveness of your list. You are one hilarious vegetarious.
I forgot about your thing with meat, I will keep that in mind when you visit. Love this story, I'm afraid of what my brothers buy as their groceries. I think spam and soda is on their list. ;)
ReplyDeleteHi - I was surfing some HO-related blogs and ended up in your blog. I had to continue reading after the first line in your second to last entry! Spent time at some of the same places: the Y/Happy Valley, the SW, and HO so I had to continue reading. Missionary in HO? SPS?
ReplyDeleteIkaros
So funnY! I love how you write his quote with the accent, it makes me feel like I am really there. And what is wrong with what he bought? That was what I ate yesterday.....k, so not really (more like slim fast and slim fast snack bars)
ReplyDeleteJeff, did you really make that joke up??
ReplyDeleteIkaros, no I wasn't a missionary-I taught in SPS for two fateful years. I love Honduras.
Mikael, I would judge the slim fast binge, but I've been there. You get so hungry that suddenly those nasty bars taste like heaven
Haha, this is great. I went "vegetarious" for the new year. Since you hate cooking meat, I suggest trying the morningstar fake meat products. They're tasty, full of protein, and nowhere near as nasty to cook. (Just FYI, do NOT nuke the fake bacon. Stick it in a fry pan until it's crispy.)
ReplyDeleteHi - Where did u teach? I went to EBKK (rhymes with kids & cats) in SPS. Went north to finish HS. Before happy valley/Y was part of the Las Brisas Ward. Ever meet the Manley clan?
ReplyDeleteIKAROS
Yes I know the Manleys. Lourdes/Amanda is one of my bffs
ReplyDeleteI really did make it up. I don't doubt that someone else has made the same joke before, but I thought of it on my own.
ReplyDeletei guess i could never be friends with that fellow...too bad.
ReplyDelete