In Which Miss Jill Gives Her Life A Senior Awards Banquet

Somewhere in my parent’s house in Chicago lies a framed computer printout that proclaims me “Most Sarcastic Female, Class of 1999.” When I took it home and proudly showed it to my mother, she shook her head sadly and lamented, “Some people’s children get ‘Most Likely to Succeed.’” Sorry mom, but those parents are from New Delhi.

I believe that this honor makes me uniquely qualified to bestow similar awards. The contenders are everyone I have ever met. So with no further ado…

Students: Keeping My Biological Clock At Bay
Best Behaved Students: Turks/Koreans
Best Looking Students: Hondurans-there is a reason that Latinas always win Miss Universe. We were always wondering why they didn’t have an awkward adolescent phase like we did.
Hardest Grade to Teach: Seventh
Biggest Overachievers/Suck-ups: Mormon gifted/talented students
Students Who Cheat On Homework Worksheets: 95%, regardless of cultural background


“Career”
Co-workers Most Likely To Show Concern For Your Well-being: Turks
Co-workers Most Likely to End Up On An Episode of Dateline: Fellow Certified Nurses Assistants from a state run nursing home for severely disabled adults. I worked there in high school and my main job description was enema giver and diaper changer
Most Passive Aggressive Co-workers: Mormons with a capital M-Sorry guys, we are :) (which is why I hate smiley faces in any form)
Nicest, Most Egalitarian Bosses: Principals
Most condescending co-workers and bosses (even when they don‘t know how to use apostrophes): Attorneys
Worst Boss: Adulterous Swinger
Shortest Job: Three week telemarketing stint
Most Prestigious Workplace Award: Whitest Legs


Peligro

Closest I Have Come To Receiving My Eternal Reward: Honduran colonoscopy
Closest I Have Come to Spending the Rest of My Life in a Developing Country Prison: Managua, 2006
Meanest Personal Fantasies: Randomly pushing people onto the subway tracks and stealing change from homeless people’s cups. Everyone probably fantasizes about that though.
Most Likely To Follow You Home While Asking For A Guided Tour Of Your Anatomy: Harlem Residents

Potpourri

Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Said That I Truly Meant: MAKE MY DAY!!
Lamest Thing To Brag About: Honduran man who boasted that his daughters were on two episodes of Alf.
Biggest Federal Crime: Cuba, 2002. Thanks BYU Study Abroad for turning us into criminals.
Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done: Locked the keys in my car when they were still in the ignition. Unfortunately, I was ditching school, so I couldn’t call my mom for the spare. Fortunately, it was 1998 and gas was 99 cents a gallon.
Worst Thing I Have Ever Said: F-bomb. I was telling my friend Kristy a story and I accidentally directly quoted my roommate instead of saying "eff." I immediately stopped, gasped and put my hand over my mouth. Kristy's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
Person I Want To B-Slap The Most: Myself, because I am wearing a skirt inside out and it took me an hour on the B Train to notice.