In Which Miss Jill Decides that Honesty Isn't the Best Policy in Weight Loss Contests

The other day I decided that I am going to turn 30 skinny, which luckily gives me an entire year. I’m pretty sure that by this summer people are going to start mistaking me for Shakira. One of my favorite things to do is no treats contests-we come up with some sort of prize for whoever can go the longest without eating desserts. The last time I did this (back in 2003), I won a free hotel room. That said hotel room turned out to be a seedy Best Western in a dangerous part of Las Vegas, surrounded by lecherous old men is another story altogether.

There are a few factors that make me a champion at this game- 1. I invite people with little or no willpower to join (That’s you Bethany “Atkins Peanut Butter Cups are not treats” Cole) 2. I sabotage them by baking their favorite sweets and leaving them on their doorstep with loving notes written by people from “Church,” i.e., “Thanks for all you do, sister. You are a real asset to the ward.”

I recently started a similar competition with my co-worker, “Lilsexygina” (AIM alias from high school) and as we embark on the third day, I am realizing that she is a worthy competitor and just as devious as I am. As I was sending a twelfth grader to the tenth grade classroom with a cookie, a tenth grader came through the door with a Rice Krispie treat. Yes, I must admit that I got served. Later that day I recruited a ninth grader to deliver ice cream with a speech about how much the class loved and appreciated Lilsexygina and wanted to reward her. We practiced the tribute a few times, until it was suitably heartwarming, but it backfired when Lilsexygina was touched and started to cry, but did not touch the ice cream. I even tried texting her pictures of baklava, to no avail. Let me know if you think of anything good-the first few days are the most vulnerable.

This reminds me of a time back in 2001 or 2002, when I was losing all sorts of weight on SlimFast (unfortunately price prohibitive at this time) and my co-worker decided to give it a try. “This diet is easy,” she bragged. “I don’t know why you’re hungry all the time. “Hmmm..” I replied while fantasizing about brownies. When I returned from my lunch break a few days later, I casually observed that her desk had been converted into a Chinese buffet. As she chowed down on sweet and sour chicken and fried wontons I inquired, “Aren’t you on SlimFast?” “Yeah,” she replied and held up a SlimFast. “You don’t see me drinking no pop (authentic Midwestern vocabulary).”