Because there are five children in my family and most of our relatives were in the West, we have spent extensive time traveling in vans. This has transformed me into a self-proclaimed expert on the American experience. Today I will be giving the following awards:
State That I Hate the Most: South Dakota. I think that this decision may be influenced by the fact that our van air conditioner broke as we were driving to Mount Rushmore and my fourteen-year-old brother kept touching everyone with his clammy hands.
State That Is Taking Its Sweet Time In Giving Me Back My Tax Return Because The Governor Needs The Cash For Call Girls: New York
Worst Governors: This is difficult because I grew up in the Chicago suburbs and currently live in New York. It’s a tie.
State With the Worst Environmental Practices Whose Governor Became Head of the Environmental Protection Agency: Utah
Most Underrated State: Idaho. I was born in the rural farming community of Preston (ancestral home of Napoleon Dynamite) and while I’m happy that I didn’t grow up there, I strongly disagree with Utahans who make fun of it.
Worst Class I Had To Teach Two Periods Of A Day: Utah Studies. Although I was carefully following the curriculum, kids kept saying, “This ain’t religion class, lady.”
Prettiest States: I think that all of the states are pretty except for South Dakota, but I’m going to have to go with Georgia or Kentucky.
Most Advertised Adult Services on the Highway/Trucker Paradise: Missouri
Best Climate (for me): Arizona. You know that you are going to have a good day when a quick search on weather.com shows that the only place as hot as where you are is Saudi Arabia.
Worst Climate: Illinois, unless you enjoy a nice Moscow winter
Most People in Crocheted American Flag Sweaters: Utah
Most Insular Mormons Who Don’t Realize That They Are Insular: Arizona. Obviously not all of you, and this might just be Mesa.
Best Airport to Practice Your Spanish and to Change Strange Currency Like Lempiras: Miami
Biggest Hair: Utah
Smallest Population of Blond People: New York City, hallelujah
States I Like That Everyone Hates On: Texas, Nebraska, Iowa
State Where You Become an Old Maid at the Age of 22: Utah
City With the Best Free Museums: Washington, D.C.
Favorite U.S. City: San Francisco
City My Dad Romanticized Because He Was Visiting From a Mexican Farming Community: El Paso, Texas
City Where You Can Be the Only White Person at The Mall And The Only Other Non-Mexicans Work in the Nail Salon: McAllen, Texas
City Where You Start Turning Bad A@# Just to Survive: New York City
City I Always Wanted To Visit When I Was a Kid, Even Though It Isn’t Cool: Kearney, Nebraska. The Holiday Inn had goldfish.
City Where We Found Blood on the Motel Room Floor and People Banged On Our Door In the Middle of the Night: Page, Arizona.
Only City Where I Have Been Robbed, In Spite of the Fact That I Have Lived In Crime-Ridden Developing Countries and the Hood: West Jordan, Utah
Cleanest Subway That Looks Like Creepy Alien Pods: Washington, D.C.
Another Clean Subway: Boston
Subway We Didn’t Know About Until Christmas In Spite of Growing Up There: Chicago
Subway Where You Can Be Stricken By the Bubonic Plague in the Prime of Your Life: New York City
Tranny (not sure on the spelling, I don’t usually read literature featuring that word) Heaven: New York City-when in doubt, look at the hands
Aryan Nation Heaven: Utah Valley
Boringest City If You Don’t Drink or Gamble: Las Vegas, trust me on this one
City I Get Teary Every Time I Leave: Boise, Idaho. My grandparents have always had that affect on me. My grandpa’s favorite story about my childhood is that when we left his house, I always cried and cried while yelling, “But I don’t want to go to Chicago!”
City That You Are Overjoyed to Leave, But Later Mysteriously Miss (when you realize that working isn’t fun): Provo, Utah
"Most Insular Mormons Who Don’t Realize That They Are Insular: Arizona. Obviously not all of you, and this might just be Mesa."
ReplyDeleteI have to think that would be South Eastern Idaho... but maybe that's because I live there and see loads (LOADS) of sheeple :) good list.
Hahah sheeple, I like that
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about Provo. It's weird because I spent way too much time studying and not enough time having fun in college, but after it was over, I had a weird nostalgia for that town. Maybe it's because I lived with my grandma, and I just love her so much.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to spend time in Southern Utah someday, so that you will have more positive experiences with the big hair state. It's funny because in CR there was always talk about how to get rid of Jim Matheson and now I always vote for him.
Wow, you really do get around.
ReplyDeleteMy experience consists of the desert between California and Utah.
As a result, my list is pretty short.
Haven't been to Georgia, but I agree with Kentucky's award of prettiest state. I could drive around eastern Kentucky for hours and hours and not get bored.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in North Logan, and I knew quite a few people from Preston. It's really not a bad little town. Pocatello, however, is the armpit of Idaho, if not the entire United States. (Although I should say that there is a greek restaurant there that gives it a little redeeming value.)
ReplyDeleteSouth Dakota is like Disney World when compared to North Dakota... if we are talking about worthless states, it gets my vote.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, its succession would be easy to map. Just give that rectangle to Canada!
Missouri... HAHA. We used to make the drive from Kansas City to St. Louis (straight across the middle of the state) almost monthly to visit Brandon's parents. I'm just glad my kids never read all the signs and asked what XXX meant. And what's with all the vasectomy reversal surgery billboards in Missouri??
ReplyDeleteWhen and what were you doing in McAllen Texas? I find this wierd cause im from McAllen and i enjoy reading your blog and guess what? Im Mormon!
ReplyDelete