The Fall of the American Empire

My little brother told me that halfway through last year his school district ran out of printer paper. They didn't have any money to buy more,so they sent a letter home asking kids to bring in reams of paper for extra credit.

I was in Utah this past week and the cousin I was staying with was having a little roommate trouble. I happened to gaze at the fridge one day and noticed that someone had strategically placed a magnet:

In Which Miss Jill Reinforces Several Stereotypes With Personal Anecdotes

When I lived in Honduras, my school was going to a music festival and we were meeting at school at 5 a.m. to leave for Tegucigalpa. For at least the first hour, I sat alone at the school with a Korean girl. Not to generalize about cultural tardiness issues, but the evidence is there.

So my brother married a girl from Mexico last month and the family traveled down to Acapulco for the reception. It took place in a nice hotel overlooking the bay and there were about twenty tables set for dinner. The reception started at 9:00 and for several hours, the only people there were family members. The bride panicked and we sat there, awkwardly taking pictures of ourselves and staring at the empty tables. The kitchen staff came in several times to check out the situation. The whole time I was praying fervently in my head that more people would show up, and as usual my righteousness will probably lead me to submit a story to the Ensign.*

After 11 o'clock, scores of Mexican teens stormed the reception hall, ready to salsa the night away. The place was suddenly full. My parents probably haven't seen that side of 11 since the late seventies (sometimes calling them after nine is too late and my baby brother refuses to answer the phone under any circumstance, so you are out of luck), but they faced the challenge with bravery. We were shocked when our names were called for the family waltz and as we are, in the words of that guy who does song parodies, whiter than sour cream, we just kind of stumbled back and forth awkwardly in front of a roomful of talented dancers. I will not be watching the wedding video. We decided that 1 a.m. was our limit and left, but the party raged on until morning.

*Mormon magazine

In Which Miss Jill Explores the American Prison System

I wish that I could cite the source of this one, but it is probably better to keep it confidential.

Someone I know was visiting a man from church in prison and he asked him how he was doing. He said, "I'm doing ok, as long as I focus on my goal. My goal is the only thing that is getting me through this."

The visitor was impressed and asked him what his goal was. Was it educational? Spiritual? Turning his life around?

He replied, "One day I want to walk around the state fair with a Mountain Dew in my hand."

In Which My Teenage Brother Expounds on Religious Doctrines

In our religion, we have a special day of fasting the first Sunday of every month. People often decide to fast about a problem that they or someone they know is having, i.e. health problems, making decisions, etc.

One day my brother, Baby Troy, was in Sunday School and the lesson topic was fasting. Baby Troy raised his hand and said, "As soon as Jill gets married, we don't have to fast anymore."

In Which Millions of Americans Wished That They Wore Depends (Just in case)

Hi, I feel like blogging again.

I'm in Idaho right now visiting my grandpa and last night we watched the news. They were talking about making some kind of 9/11 memorial somewhere in rural Idaho and they interviewed a man who appeared to belong to a bicycle gang. He said something along the lines of, "I guarantee that on 9/11 100% of Americans spent the day like I did-I wet my pants." I have no recollection of incontinence on a massive scale, but I don't doubt his sincerity.

I generally don't like discussing anything of substance on this blog, but as a New Yorker, I just want to talk for a minute about the controversy surrounding the Muslim community center by Ground Zero. I think that it is ridiculous that any Mormon (I'm talking to you, Mitt and Harry Reid) would be stupid enough to publicly "refudiate" the project. This is my reasoning:

PS, obviously I know that all Mormons are not intolerant, because I am a Mormon and I am writing this. I feel comfortable with my assumption that people feel this way because very public figures are using their stance to pander to their constituents.

1. Whenever I hear Mormons decrying the separation of Church and State (prayer in schools or Ten Commandments in public building or whatever), I think that they are forgetting an important fact-we are a religious minority. If there is a religious component to government, it is probably not going to mandate nation-wide FHE. Separation of Church and State is the best thing that could happen to us (although I'm glad that the U.S. government put pressure on polygamy because I would probably be celebrating my fifteenth wedding anniversary this year if history was a little different).

2. We have had opposition to our building projects for years and there are still protests by locals sometimes when we build new temples. Have we learned nothing? Why would we do that to someone else?

3. Half of Utah owns an American flag sweater vest, flag lapel or puff paint sweat shirt. If we consider ourselves patriots, how can we be opposed to a fundamental American value-religious freedom? Do we value it only for ourselves?

4. If we don't want to encourage Islamic fundamentalism, maybe we should consider being nice to them. If we don't want them to judge us based on Abu Ghraib or constant invasion of their countries, it would be hypocritical to let our views of the Muslim world be completely informed by violent psychos who are probably following an apostate version of Islam (I say probably, because I don't know enough to brand someone an apostate of another religion). Do you like how we get lumped together with the FLDS, who we consider apostates? I have received enough Big Love boycott e-mail forwards to know the answer to that one (the best one urged people to pray for the HBO satellite to go out).

5. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors.