Decade in Review/Happy 2011

I didn't realize that the decade was ending until the morning of the 31st, so I had very little time for soul searching. In the spirit of everyone's Facebook status that says "2010 sucked, glad it is over" and "2011 Is My Year," please find below a short synopsis of Miss Jill 2000-2010

Places I Have Lived

*= Like
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Chicago, Illinois (random months here and there at ancestral home)*
Provo, Utah Had lots of * moments, but mostly +
Santiago, Dominican Republic *
Sandy, Utah +
San Pedro Sula, Honduras *
Mesa, Arizona +
Manhattan (Harlem and Washington Heights), New York *
Brooklyn, New York *******************************

Youthful Radiance to Middle Age

2001, My brother's middle school banquet
Social Studies Teacher: Who is the next in your family to enter middle school? Points to me (20-year-old) You?

2010, Nauvoo, Illinois temple, my brother's wedding
80 something battle ax temple worker: Oh, are you the mother of the groom?

Development of Political Ideals
2001, Officer in the state leadership of College Republicans
2010, Trying to pretend that the government does not exist, because it makes me mad

Roommates
Some people I have lived with(and I want to emphasize that I really liked living with most of these people, except maybe not the tighty whitey dad)-

* Girl who had a lizard bedspread and a picture of a naked mole rat on the wall
* Girl who was obsessed with Celine Dion, sent her a Book of Mormon and declared June Celine month (it was the only music that you could listen to)
* Girl who wanted her dead body to be thrown to grizzly bears, but not wolves, because that would be considered cannibalism.
* Girl who had a good body in spite of the fact that she would come home and list approximately 42,000 calories worth of food that she had eaten that day. Example (I wish that I could remember a real one): Three Jack in the Box Tacos, One hamburger, Egg McMuffin, Box of Cookies, Three slices of pizza, Two snickers bars, Two doughnuts, Chipotle burrito, etc. It was amazing.
* NYOM (Nineteen Year Old Model)
* Cat lady who was obsessed with knitting
* Olga the best maid ever and her unibrowed daughter, Karla, who sung "Hallelujah" all night on one note (think first grader playing a recorder)
* A family of alcoholic/drug addicted Dominicans who never gave me food (this was a pro and con). The dad always walked around in tighty whities
* A Muslim family (current)

Scariest Moment
* When I was googling "Obama the Antichrist" and the electricity went out

Most Embarrassing Moment
I told one of my students that I was going to Seattle and she said, in a dreamy voice, "There are just some places that stay with you forever, like Forks." Forks is the setting of Twilight, which is surprisingly not my favorite book. I told my friend about it and she was enthusiastic about going and to make a long story short, now I have picture of myself with a cardboard cutout of Taylor Lautner. For the sole purpose of making the teens in my life jealous. For the record, the pilgrims seemed to be cut from the same ilk as the people that I saw when I went to Salem, Massachusetts.

Jobs I Have Had

Assistant at BYU for the multicultural recruitment office (not BYU's greatest strength)

Customer service for pool liner orders

Appraisal Clerk (two summers), mortgage company that went bankrupt. My obese sixty-year-old boss kept telling us that his wife gave him ummm... provacative pictures of herself for his birthday. She also worked there...

Customer Service, CultureGrams- This job was awesome because I got to read pamphlets about different countries in my free time. Ask me anything about Mali.

Spanish (for gifted kids) and Utah Studies Teacher ("this ain't religion class, lady"), Midvale, UT- I liked this job, but Utah is no place for a 24-year-old spinster

English, Social Studies and Music Teacher in Honduras- This cannot be summed up in a one liner

Will Writer and Personal Injury Assistant, Law Firm, Arizona- Met a woman who kept walking by and saying, "Get on the cocoa box." Later found out that she thought that I looked like Swiss Miss.

Secretary for a Swinger in Manhattan- Quit by e-mail, this story is actually worth elaborating on at some point

Spanish Teacher, Turkish School- Best. Job. Ever.

Thanks to everyone who has been around to help make this decade so interesting.

In Which Church Turns Into a Reunion for the Stars of Yesteryear

Sometimes I feel like I am the only citizen of NYC who never experiences celebrity sightings (except for Turkish pop stars, athletes, and some arm wrestling champion who had a face off with the principal). This could be because the only celebrities that I would recognize would probably be Latin American political figures or something dorky like that. I did see Glen Beck once at the temple, but I have been trying to delete it from my memory.

A few weeks ago, however, everything changed. My cousin was visiting from Provo, Utah, so I attended church in Manhattan instead of Brooklyn. Going into it, I had no idea that it was going to be a star studded event.

Celebrity One:


I would like to stress that I DID NOT take this sacrament meeting paparazzi photo of Donny Osmond. Someone wanted a pic for her mom and sent it to me. As soon as we realized who it was, we tried to think of every middle aged mom we knew to share the news with. Every time there was a song, my cousin leaned forward to listen, but Donny seemed prepared for that and did not sing.

Keep in mind that my cousin was visiting from Provo...



At work the next day, I wanted to talk about my celebrity sighting, but Americans (especially those who were alive in the 70s) are hard to come by there and hardly anyone knew who he was. I decided that my best bet was the sixty something part time English teacher. He was sufficiently impressed.

In another weird Osmond-inspired turn of events, I collected some work the other day and on the top, a Turkish girl had mysteriously written "Marie Osmond." When I asked for an explanation, she replied, "I saw her on TV and she was funny, so I wrote it down to look her up later."

Celebrity Two
The closing song, "Oh Holy Night," was performed by this illustrious opera singer, Michael Ballam (it was kind of unnerving-take a good look):

In Which Miss Jill Explains Why She Covets The Rights Of The Geriatric Crowd To Use Depends/Miracle On The N Train

2002, Remote Jungle Road, Dominican Republic

I stared at the empty water bottle in my hand with a pang of remorse. I tried to create a barrier between my mind and my pulsating bladder and squeezed my legs together in a vice-like grip. It wasn't working and I started to fight back the tears. We were still an hour from our next destination and I knew that I would never make it. However, the only buildings in sight were the tin huts of local villagers.

My friend, Drea, did a quick visual analysis of my plight and decided that it had the potential to end very badly. She took charge and implored the chain smoking tour guide, I think his name was Oscar, but I can't remember, someone can probably help me out with that, to stop the bus immediately. If this had not happened, I could probably have used this story as the answer to "What was your most embarrassing moment?" We stopped the bus and Oscar had a quick chat with a local farmer. Said farmer indicated that my problem could be solved by a visit to his outhouse, which was at the top of a large hill. My shame at the fact that everyone on that bus was privy to the fact that my bladder could not be attributed to being in the family way or an AARP membership was diminished by the relief that I experienced from using that unhygienic hole.




12:30 a.m. December 2010, N Train, Brooklyn, New York

I just read that some people were trapped on this train all night two stops from my house, due to Snowmageddon and the raging impotence of the MTA. I am glad to be in Chicago. A few weeks ago, I went to dinner with my cousins and got on the train to Brooklyn without using the facilities first. The N is usually express, but it stops at all local stops on the weekends, moves really slowly and frequently stalls for no reason. These problems add about an hour to my trip. Even before the train crossed over into Brooklyn, I started to experience the familiar pains. It rapidly became unbearable. I weighed my options as I looked glared jealously at all the happy people with empty bladders surrounding me. I thought about getting out, but it was really late and I did not know if I would be able to find somewhere to go.

When I was about a half hour away from home, I felt the familiar tears form in my eyes. I started fervently praying that I would not have an unfortunate accident (although based on the way the subways smell sometimes, I would not be the first). I was amazed when seconds later, the conductor announced that they would be skipping all of the stops (at least ten) until the stop right before mine. As everyone else dropped f bombs on the MTA and got out, I knew immediately that a miracle had taken place. Amen

Now, for some rewards:


Best Facilities In An Unexpected Place: Bryant Park, New York City
These bathrooms were even finalists for an award.



Bathroom That Made Me Dry Heave: Bathroom, Honduras/Guatemala Border

My advice is that if someone hands you a bucket of dirty water as you are entering, you would probably be better off finding a private place in the jungle.



I haven't been to Asia or Africa, so I'm sure that I can be one upped on that one.

Childhood Milestones: First Passive Agressive Note

In the mid-1980s my mother found this gem taped to my bedroom door:

Transcription:
Nobody with the name "Mom" is allowed.
Next time I'll glue it to the wall.
P.S. You'll be sorry

In Which Third Graders in 1990 Don't Ignoriega Their Current Events Class

If you want to be my enemy for life, please go on a rant about how stupid Americans are and how bad our education system is. I agree that there are some issues, but I feel like I am a relatively well educated person and I get tired of having those convos all the time. Unless you are from a small island in Oceania (my geography weakness), I can probably find your country on an unmarked map.

As evidence that some of us are up to speed on current events, I offer an example from my 3rd grade class. As background, at the time Manuel Noriega, the fallen Panamanian dictator, was on the lam. As we were working one day, the electricity suddenly went out. Our room didn't have any windows, so we were left in complete darkness. After a few seconds a student screamed, "It's Noriega!" The entire class went into a panic and waited for the despot to descend upon us. Luckily, my teacher was able to convince us that Eastview Elementary was not the most probable hiding place and I think that we might have got to go home early.