I walked past the seventh grade classroom yesterday. The teacher was writing furiously on the board and the students were taking copious notes. Then, one of the kids silently stood up and did a dance much like this one:
The children remained silent, so the teacher never knew what had happened while his back was turned.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
In Which Miss Jill Tries to Regain the Time She Lost Discussing Nicole Richie By Staying Up Too Late Writing This Post
Yesterday I glanced at my student's book and saw that she was reading something penned by Nicole Richie. This was disturbing for obvious reasons, so I grabbed it and started looking through it. I was amazed to see that the back cover verified my worst fears-it was that Nicole Richie. I have nothing against her, but sorry, I don’t think it is possible that she wrote an entire book and I shared that opinion. And even if she could, I would be very surprised if she would dedicate that much time to such an endeavor when it would be so easy to hire a ghostwriter. Most of the girls agreed with me, but we had a rather spirited discussion with the dissenters.
After several minutes, I thought, “You are arguing about Nicole Richie’s writing talent with a fourteen-year-old. During your free period. Get out of here.” So I did. And then today I found out that Snooki “wrote” a book. I don’t know if I want to continue living in a world where these things are possible. Nevertheless, it made me start thinking about all the stupid arguments I have engaged in and I would like to share a few:
Streamwood, Illinois, 1997
I tenaciously argued with my entire class about the pronunciation of the word "Colonel." Sometimes there is a majority opinion for a reason.
San Juan, Puerto Rico, 2002
I got so upset in a fight about bad customer service that I shouted, "Make my day!"
On a Lonely Stretch of Highway Between Utah and Arizona, 2003
My cousin and I were driving to Arizona for Thanksgiving and in between assessing the risk of Skinwalkers on the Reservation and seeing who could stand hanging their arm out the window the longest (it was a draw), we had an argument about Paris Hilton's intelligence. He argued that she was hiding the most brilliant mind of our generation. I do not share that opinion, because even if she has a certain degree of natural intelligence, she does not seem to go to any great pains to cultivate it. I believe, as our friend Fidel would say, history has absolved me.
On Another Lonely Stretch of Highway Right After My Anonymous Friend Spent the Whole Time in the Sacred Grove Talking to Someone in California on Her Cell Phone After She Forced Us To Take a Missionary Tour
My BFF Stef and I had a very acrimonious conversation about who was her Babysitter's Club alter-ego. She always tosses around the idea of being Stacy and carrying around an insulin syringe, but I argued that she should be Mallory due to her red hair. I haven't read the books for like 20 years (I am mad that I am old enough to throw that around), so I didn't realize that Mallory was lame. Sorry, girl. Charlotte Johanssen would not stand for this.
There have to be more stupid fights than this. If anyone who actually knows me can think of any, please comment.
After several minutes, I thought, “You are arguing about Nicole Richie’s writing talent with a fourteen-year-old. During your free period. Get out of here.” So I did. And then today I found out that Snooki “wrote” a book. I don’t know if I want to continue living in a world where these things are possible. Nevertheless, it made me start thinking about all the stupid arguments I have engaged in and I would like to share a few:
Streamwood, Illinois, 1997
I tenaciously argued with my entire class about the pronunciation of the word "Colonel." Sometimes there is a majority opinion for a reason.
San Juan, Puerto Rico, 2002
I got so upset in a fight about bad customer service that I shouted, "Make my day!"
On a Lonely Stretch of Highway Between Utah and Arizona, 2003
My cousin and I were driving to Arizona for Thanksgiving and in between assessing the risk of Skinwalkers on the Reservation and seeing who could stand hanging their arm out the window the longest (it was a draw), we had an argument about Paris Hilton's intelligence. He argued that she was hiding the most brilliant mind of our generation. I do not share that opinion, because even if she has a certain degree of natural intelligence, she does not seem to go to any great pains to cultivate it. I believe, as our friend Fidel would say, history has absolved me.
On Another Lonely Stretch of Highway Right After My Anonymous Friend Spent the Whole Time in the Sacred Grove Talking to Someone in California on Her Cell Phone After She Forced Us To Take a Missionary Tour
My BFF Stef and I had a very acrimonious conversation about who was her Babysitter's Club alter-ego. She always tosses around the idea of being Stacy and carrying around an insulin syringe, but I argued that she should be Mallory due to her red hair. I haven't read the books for like 20 years (I am mad that I am old enough to throw that around), so I didn't realize that Mallory was lame. Sorry, girl. Charlotte Johanssen would not stand for this.
There have to be more stupid fights than this. If anyone who actually knows me can think of any, please comment.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
In Which Miss Jill Explores Footwear Options for Foot Binding Victims
I desperately need new flat shoes, but I am really reluctant to buy them. There are several reasons for this, but the chief one is that it is really hard to find adult shoes that fit me properly. I do pretty well in the 3 straight months that I only wear snow boots and the 3 when I wear only sandles, but the in between months are difficult. I wear a 5 or 5 1/2, but usually have to buy a 6 to avoid wearing shoes with Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles and velcro straps. This is too big, so sometimes I walk with a slight limp because I am straining so hard to keep them on my feet.
The more tired I am, the more pronounced my struggle becomes. A few nights ago, I was dragging myself home from the train when the mashed up tissue in the toe of my shoe started to get painful. I finally got to my street, where some teenage hoodlums crossed my path. Their ringleader yelled, "You see how that woman be walkin? Shes gots to pee!"
Sometimes you just need a well meaning messenger from the Universe to jolt you out of your skinflint ways.
The more tired I am, the more pronounced my struggle becomes. A few nights ago, I was dragging myself home from the train when the mashed up tissue in the toe of my shoe started to get painful. I finally got to my street, where some teenage hoodlums crossed my path. Their ringleader yelled, "You see how that woman be walkin? Shes gots to pee!"
Sometimes you just need a well meaning messenger from the Universe to jolt you out of your skinflint ways.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
In Which Miss Jill Implores the Ward Activities Committee to Take Trunk Or Treat to the Next Level
Photo Source
I think it is time for us Mormons to expand our holiday list a little to include Purim. My friend is the only Gentile on a street full of Orthodox Jews, so I went over today to watch the festivities proceed from her front porch. I will write a post later about what we have in common with Orthodox Jews-all I have to say for now is immodest spaghetti strap shirts or halters layered over long sleeved shirts.
Purim is the celebration of when Esther saved the Jews from extermination in Persia, which is why I think we could get away with celebrating it. My brief internet research brought me to some youtube videos by a Jewish guy who called it "Jewloween," which seems appropriate since I saw the following costumes, in order of popularity:
* Jaunty pimp suit- This covers 40 percent of revelers
* Normal Orthodox wear accessorized with a glittery hat, Jester hat or sunglasses- 35 percent
* Renaissance dresses with huge wigs- 15 percent
* Cross dressing men- 10 percent
The rest included:
* Storm Troopers
* Super Mario Characters
* Thugs
* Uncle Sam or soldiers
* Rastafarian Leprechaun
* A family of Where's Waldo?
* A cute little kid dressed as Einstein with a fluffy white wig
* Smurfs
* A Moroccan Muslim (we think???)
According to a website called Judaism 101:
"We are also commanded to eat, drink and be merry. According to the Talmud, a person is required to drink until he cannot tell the difference between "cursed be Haman" and "blessed be Mordecai," though opinions differ as to exactly how drunk that is."
I'm not going to lie, from time to time I have wondered what my personality would be like under the influence.
In Which There Are Such Thing As Stupid Questions-They Come From The Most Educated People in the Room
If you spend enough time eavesdropping on the subway or in cafes in certain parts of New York, you will quickly discover that about ten percent of the city is riding a tsunami-sized wave of megalomania. Usually this manifests itself in an abrasive, condescending attitude coupled with insecurity so crippling that the subject spends several hours a week cradled in the loving embrace of his/her favorite mental health professional.*
The reason this is on my mind is because last night I went to a documentary and the director came for a Q & A session after the movie. Q & As are really common here and they take place after independent movies, political discussions, speakers, etc. They have the potential to be a great opportunity to examine the mind of the great thinkers of our time, but instead usually deteriorate into ego trips for the people asking the questions. These are examples of typical questions (I am not smart enough to make them super intellectual, but I will try):
Example One: "Hello, my name is Barbara and I am currently a PhD student in Anthropology at Columbia. I have received the ________________ fellowship and have recently published in ______________, _______________ and ____________________. I have also had the honor of working intimately with the eminent Dr. ___________________. I am writing my dissertation on the results of existential paradigm shifts among the Baluchi people of Iran and in my research, I have found......."
Moderator: I'm sorry, but I am having a difficult time identifying your question...
My comment-Do you really think that the first female president of her country is impressed that you are a second year MPA student? Or will remember? Just ask the question...
Example Two (in a dreamy voice): Where do memories reside?
Example Three: I have noticed that this film appears to be deeply reflective of the narrative arc of FILL IN THE BLANK WITH OBSCURE FRENCH NOVEL THAT HAS NEVER BEEN TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH. How did AUTHOR inform your work?
Speaker: I am not familiar with that.
Questioner feels triumphant.
My friend went to a Q & A where the speaker turned on everyone. He told me that if someone name dropped a philosopher, the speaker responded by asking him something very specific about said philosopher that he didn't think they would know. The self aggrandizing questions stopped immediately.
* I am very, very pro therapy and very strongly feel that it plays a positive role in our society. However, I have seen lots of people of a certain class and education level use it as a crutch. I can't think of a better recreational activity for a consummate narcissist.
The reason this is on my mind is because last night I went to a documentary and the director came for a Q & A session after the movie. Q & As are really common here and they take place after independent movies, political discussions, speakers, etc. They have the potential to be a great opportunity to examine the mind of the great thinkers of our time, but instead usually deteriorate into ego trips for the people asking the questions. These are examples of typical questions (I am not smart enough to make them super intellectual, but I will try):
Example One: "Hello, my name is Barbara and I am currently a PhD student in Anthropology at Columbia. I have received the ________________ fellowship and have recently published in ______________, _______________ and ____________________. I have also had the honor of working intimately with the eminent Dr. ___________________. I am writing my dissertation on the results of existential paradigm shifts among the Baluchi people of Iran and in my research, I have found......."
Moderator: I'm sorry, but I am having a difficult time identifying your question...
My comment-Do you really think that the first female president of her country is impressed that you are a second year MPA student? Or will remember? Just ask the question...
Example Two (in a dreamy voice): Where do memories reside?
Example Three: I have noticed that this film appears to be deeply reflective of the narrative arc of FILL IN THE BLANK WITH OBSCURE FRENCH NOVEL THAT HAS NEVER BEEN TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH. How did AUTHOR inform your work?
Speaker: I am not familiar with that.
Questioner feels triumphant.
My friend went to a Q & A where the speaker turned on everyone. He told me that if someone name dropped a philosopher, the speaker responded by asking him something very specific about said philosopher that he didn't think they would know. The self aggrandizing questions stopped immediately.
* I am very, very pro therapy and very strongly feel that it plays a positive role in our society. However, I have seen lots of people of a certain class and education level use it as a crutch. I can't think of a better recreational activity for a consummate narcissist.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Barnam and Bailey's Bazaar
I try not to post too much work related stuff, but I have no will power with this one. I did not know about this until this week, but apparently union protesters utilize expensive blow-up rats to shame businesses who do not hire their workers. There was one on my school's street this week:
Unfortunately for them, everyone thought that they were advertising pest control. Except for one of the first graders. He started jumping up and down and asked, breathlessly, "Are we having a carnival? Are we? Are we?" As an ex-carny, I was kind of sad that we were not.
Unfortunately for them, everyone thought that they were advertising pest control. Except for one of the first graders. He started jumping up and down and asked, breathlessly, "Are we having a carnival? Are we? Are we?" As an ex-carny, I was kind of sad that we were not.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Exit Through Room 6a
When I entered the sixth grade class this morning, I saw this spontaneously crafted masterpiece on the wall. I wish that I were deep enough to understand the social commentary.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
You Know You Live In Brooklyn When...
In honor of my recent first anniversary...
* You are on your way to a dinner party and silently pray that there is something to eat there besides vegetable/vegan side dishes. This is my own fault because I always volunteer to bring dessert and should instead volunteer to bring steaks. I probably only eat red meat twice a month, but stuff that is too trendy makes me revolt. Clarification- I don't care if you are vegan, just don't assume that eating grass is everyone else's dream come true.
* Everyone you know thinks that the Great American novel is lying dormant in their brain, if only they had enough free time to write it. Including you.
* If you go too far south, you look around the bus and realize that you are probably the only person whose mother spoke English to them in the cradle. And if you are too blonde, disoriented Babushkas constantly ask "Говорите ли вы Россию?" (Do you speak Russian?). When you shake your head, they despondently try to figure out the subway map.
As a side note, if I were a sociologist, I would be interested in doing a study on what makes people approachable in these situations. I can't leave my house for more than an hour without being asked for directions at least once. One time, my friends were amazed because three people approached me within ten minutes. My theory in my case is that there is some kind of societal archetype that equates fairness with innocence and that I am not pretty enough to intimidate people and not ugly enough to repulse them.
* You experience a glimmer of hope when you see first time moms who are old enough to be the grandmother of a 10-year-old in Utah.
* When you go to the local women's gym, half of the ladies are working out in long skirts (including jean) and have traded in their wig for a headscarf. Actually, my mom is going to Israel and has been trying in vain to find long skirts that are actually cute. Does anyone have any ideas? She read somewhere that fundamentalist Christians wear jean skirts (like the Duggars?), so that is not an option. Someone in my family was watching that 17 and Counting show while I was at my parent's house one summer and it led me to study the Quiverfull movement for several days. I support people's right to do whatever they want, but if you are going to homeschool your kids, please have some schooling past high school.
* When your friends tell you what they studied in graduate school and how much debt they have, you silently congratulate yourself for being an autodidact (that is the most pretentious word I could come up with, haha) with a specially designed curriculum of youtube documentaries and Wikipedia. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% for advanced degrees if you are employable or you have lots of money to burn. However, if you are 100k in debt from studying French feminist milkmaids in 19th century Lyon and now work in a call center, you do not have my sympathy.
* People in Manhattan constantly invite you to school night stuff that would require a three hour round trip subway ride (I live pretty far south in Brooklyn), but would think it was preposterous to even meet you in north Brooklyn. Defriend.
* Sometimes you are getting dressed and put on something that doesn't quite match, because it is comfortable. You are confident that you will still look more put together than 95% of the people in your demographic, because at least your hair is clean and your eyes are unglazed.
* You are with friends on the street and a strange man approaches and launches into a monologue about the mathematics of local architecture. In the middle of his impassioned discourse, he starts rolling something and begins to smoke it. You are too embarrassed to ask your friends later if it was a joint, because you are 30 years old and should be able to recognize one (you are not with Mormons, who would be more empathetic or not know either). However, you introspectively analyze your mood to see if there was a residual effect. You are kind of chill in general, so hard to say.
* Strangers engage you in conversations about your reading material.
Best Bait
Atlas Shrugged: Carry this around New York for a few days if you need to make new friends, because there is always someone available to tell you that it changed their life. My cousin once toyed with the idea of naming her daughter Dagny, so the influence of this book cannot be underestimated.
Confessions of an Economic Hitman: This one wins for luring in random men in Park Slope-five different yippies approached me within two hours. This was not my intention and as I wanted to drop kick the narrator after approximately 50 pages, I knew that I was not dealing with kindred spirits. I don't disagree with the idea that American development aid has an evil side, but he was so self righteous and condescending that it obscured his argument. I think that you can acknowledge our detrimental foreign policies without demonizing the American people or making us all sound like uncultured simpletons who can't find Iraq on a map.
My Hope for Peace by Jehan Sadat: I ended up having an hour long convo with some Jordanian guy in Central Park because he saw it in my hands. Orhan Pamuk books do the trick also.
Spanish books: These convos are not about the books; people just see that you know Spanish and decide to start chatting you up. The last time I read a book in Spanish, this Peruvian guy regaled me with an implausible tale about the ghost of his neighbor haunting his apartment building.
* You are on your way to a dinner party and silently pray that there is something to eat there besides vegetable/vegan side dishes. This is my own fault because I always volunteer to bring dessert and should instead volunteer to bring steaks. I probably only eat red meat twice a month, but stuff that is too trendy makes me revolt. Clarification- I don't care if you are vegan, just don't assume that eating grass is everyone else's dream come true.
* Everyone you know thinks that the Great American novel is lying dormant in their brain, if only they had enough free time to write it. Including you.
* If you go too far south, you look around the bus and realize that you are probably the only person whose mother spoke English to them in the cradle. And if you are too blonde, disoriented Babushkas constantly ask "Говорите ли вы Россию?" (Do you speak Russian?). When you shake your head, they despondently try to figure out the subway map.
As a side note, if I were a sociologist, I would be interested in doing a study on what makes people approachable in these situations. I can't leave my house for more than an hour without being asked for directions at least once. One time, my friends were amazed because three people approached me within ten minutes. My theory in my case is that there is some kind of societal archetype that equates fairness with innocence and that I am not pretty enough to intimidate people and not ugly enough to repulse them.
* You experience a glimmer of hope when you see first time moms who are old enough to be the grandmother of a 10-year-old in Utah.
* When you go to the local women's gym, half of the ladies are working out in long skirts (including jean) and have traded in their wig for a headscarf. Actually, my mom is going to Israel and has been trying in vain to find long skirts that are actually cute. Does anyone have any ideas? She read somewhere that fundamentalist Christians wear jean skirts (like the Duggars?), so that is not an option. Someone in my family was watching that 17 and Counting show while I was at my parent's house one summer and it led me to study the Quiverfull movement for several days. I support people's right to do whatever they want, but if you are going to homeschool your kids, please have some schooling past high school.
* When your friends tell you what they studied in graduate school and how much debt they have, you silently congratulate yourself for being an autodidact (that is the most pretentious word I could come up with, haha) with a specially designed curriculum of youtube documentaries and Wikipedia. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% for advanced degrees if you are employable or you have lots of money to burn. However, if you are 100k in debt from studying French feminist milkmaids in 19th century Lyon and now work in a call center, you do not have my sympathy.
* People in Manhattan constantly invite you to school night stuff that would require a three hour round trip subway ride (I live pretty far south in Brooklyn), but would think it was preposterous to even meet you in north Brooklyn. Defriend.
* Sometimes you are getting dressed and put on something that doesn't quite match, because it is comfortable. You are confident that you will still look more put together than 95% of the people in your demographic, because at least your hair is clean and your eyes are unglazed.
* You are with friends on the street and a strange man approaches and launches into a monologue about the mathematics of local architecture. In the middle of his impassioned discourse, he starts rolling something and begins to smoke it. You are too embarrassed to ask your friends later if it was a joint, because you are 30 years old and should be able to recognize one (you are not with Mormons, who would be more empathetic or not know either). However, you introspectively analyze your mood to see if there was a residual effect. You are kind of chill in general, so hard to say.
* Strangers engage you in conversations about your reading material.
Best Bait
Atlas Shrugged: Carry this around New York for a few days if you need to make new friends, because there is always someone available to tell you that it changed their life. My cousin once toyed with the idea of naming her daughter Dagny, so the influence of this book cannot be underestimated.
Confessions of an Economic Hitman: This one wins for luring in random men in Park Slope-five different yippies approached me within two hours. This was not my intention and as I wanted to drop kick the narrator after approximately 50 pages, I knew that I was not dealing with kindred spirits. I don't disagree with the idea that American development aid has an evil side, but he was so self righteous and condescending that it obscured his argument. I think that you can acknowledge our detrimental foreign policies without demonizing the American people or making us all sound like uncultured simpletons who can't find Iraq on a map.
My Hope for Peace by Jehan Sadat: I ended up having an hour long convo with some Jordanian guy in Central Park because he saw it in my hands. Orhan Pamuk books do the trick also.
Spanish books: These convos are not about the books; people just see that you know Spanish and decide to start chatting you up. The last time I read a book in Spanish, this Peruvian guy regaled me with an implausible tale about the ghost of his neighbor haunting his apartment building.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
In Which Miss Jill Shares Hard Earned Economic Advice*: Part V
These days so many of us are struggling to make ends meet, so I asked my most thrifty friend to compile a list of useful advice for all of my readers. Again, THIS IS NOT WRITTEN BY ME.
10 Helpful Tips for Surviving In New York City
*For all of these tips you must have no shame and not be easily embarrassed.
1. Carry ziplocks with you at all times.
You never know when free food will be available for you to take home. Don't worry about taking too much, just freeze it! Ziplocks are expensive you say? Why buy Ziplocks when you can get them at airport security for free? Duh, amateur.
2. Never eat your full meal at a restaurant.
Save at least half of it to take home. Fill up on bread; it is free and you can always ask for more. If your friends are finished eating and don't plan to take their leftovers home finish their plate too! When you get home stretch out your meal by making tons of rice or noodles to eat it with what you have. One restaurant meal will feed me for days.
3. Ride your bike or walk everywhere.
So many people pay for a monthly subway pass and a monthly gym membership. I pay for neither and am probably in better shape than they are. I got my bike from a friend for free but you can get one on craigslist for cheap.
*If it is horrible weather or you are going too far choose a subway station without an attendant where the turnstile is on the platform. Wait until the train is there and almost stopped, casually step over the turnstyle while pretending to swipe your card and run onto the train. (If you feel weird waiting for the train to come on the other side of the turnstyle you can stand near the stairs and fake a phone call until the train comes). If you are not tall enough to do this you can stand there and beg people with unlimited cards to swipe you in. Or borrow your supernice roommate's if she's not going out that night.
4. Be open to working for things, not just money.
Just like in the old days before money even existed. I modeled socks for socks and now have a huge collection of beautiful designer socks. I've worked as a hair model for free to get my hair cut or colored by top stylists at swanky salons. I've worked for hair products, clothes, sunglasses, spa gift certificates, etc. I just worked at a salon and got some shampoo and conditioner which I had to use google translater to figure out that's what it was "Balsamo idratante per capelli colorati e grossi."
5. Don't pay for cable.
You can watch anything for free on the internet. When I do want to watch something live I will get my headphones and go to the free gym in my building and sit on the exercise bike, sometimes I even pedal. If it is a popular show go to a bar and watch it with other nerds or a hotel lobby. Also there is Netflix. Now of course I don't recommend paying for a membership when you can get the instant play password from a friend. Just remember they can see all the weird stuff you watch. Ed. note: Yeah, I was liberal about giving everyone my Netflix password until American Pie: Bandcamp came up on the list of movies watched.
6. Bring an empty suitcase.
When you go home to visit your parents or go on a business trip where you know there will be an abundance of free food pack light and bring an empty suitcase if possible. When I come back from vising my parents I've got loads of Rice a Roni, Raisins, Wheat Thins, cereal, peanut butter, I even grab the Ramen. I know it's cheap but it's lightweight and easy to pack! When I came back from a business trip this week I checked an entire duffel bag full of Tropicana juices that I had gathered throughout the week.
*I can check one bag for free then I put all my actual stuff in my carry-on.
Ed. note: Be careful. I also do this with toiletries and my mother caught me in the act of putting bar soap in my suitcase. Now that I am 30, I have resolved to stop.
7. You don't really need a ticket for things.
I've snuck into the Nutcracker at Lincoln Center three years in a row, it is my own Christmas tradition. I've walked into Broadway shows multiple times. Sometimes they question me, I say, "My mom is in there, she has my ticket." It has never failed. Or just talk on your phone as you nod at them like, "Remember me? You just scanned my ticket." Ushers are out of work actors, they don't take their job seriously. They are too busy thinking "I should be up there on stage, I'm more talented than Alison Janey!" And they are probably right. (Yes I snuck into "9 to 5 The Musical" a few times). If you aren't brave enough to go at the beginning you can always wait until intermission and go in with the smokers.
You can also get in to conventions this way. Ed. note: This is anonymous,you can admit that it was Comic-Con. I've walked past those guards without a badge or waited to see what kind of stamp the workers have and made my own. I once made a red X with lipstick on my hand to get into a concert. You can also reuse tickets at some places. Check the trash around the exits and head on in.
Bonus: Opening night parties. After you've enjoyed the show follow the limos to the party location. (This is easy to do in Times Square traffic.) Walk in looking important and disgusted at the fans/groupies huddled outside. Look at the guy holding the list like "Unbelievable right?" Then look sultry and wave to someone inside the party. He will let you in. You will need Ziplocks!
8. Always be on the lookout.
For instance, in NYC things are being filmed on location everyday. That means free food is near! Take note of the signs posted around town that say what is being filmed there and when. Follow the "Holding" signs to a giant table of beautiful unlimited snacks and sometimes even lobster dinners. (See tip #1)
This includes keeping your eye out for people giving away free samples. There are free things everywhere you look; two bottles of Gatorade in Times Square! Four giant bags of McDonald's food someone had abandoned! My only regret is not taking all the ketchup packets so I could refill my bottle at home.
Last year I saw an ad for women to go on dates with millionaires. I signed up and ate very well for a few months and one of them took me to fashion week!
9. Let it be known.
Don't be ashamed of your frugality and people will look for ways to help you out. When my friend was doing a promotion in Times Square giving away samples of expensive hair products I went to meet her and she gave me a whole bag of them. My friend found a Metro card with a few bucks on it and saved it to give to me! Some wealthy women I work for have passed down their designer clothes, jewelery, purses and home decor.
Also, help people out and they will help you in return. I helped a maid in a hotel once and she gave me all the free toilet paper and tissue I could carry!
10. Never pass a trash pile without a serious look.
I find great stuff in the trash. Duane Reade dumpsters can have some pretty cool stuff after the holidays. A lot of the furniture in my apartment was found out on the street, including this beautiful secretary's desk I'm typing on now!
My neighbor came into my apartment once and it was awkward when he said, "Hey I used to have that same rug, I just threw it out!" "Oh, haha what a coincidence!"
Recent finds: Burton backpack, cool messenger bag, laundry bag, shelf organizer, a book of stamps!, jeans in my size, plastic organizing drawers (outside of American Apparel), this cool bookshelf I've wanted for years, 1/2 the books on my bookshelf, dish soap, leather knee-hi boots for Jill, new with tags shirts from New York & Co., a fan, full length mirror, an ottoman - and so many more!
10 Helpful Tips for Surviving In New York City
*For all of these tips you must have no shame and not be easily embarrassed.
1. Carry ziplocks with you at all times.
You never know when free food will be available for you to take home. Don't worry about taking too much, just freeze it! Ziplocks are expensive you say? Why buy Ziplocks when you can get them at airport security for free? Duh, amateur.
2. Never eat your full meal at a restaurant.
Save at least half of it to take home. Fill up on bread; it is free and you can always ask for more. If your friends are finished eating and don't plan to take their leftovers home finish their plate too! When you get home stretch out your meal by making tons of rice or noodles to eat it with what you have. One restaurant meal will feed me for days.
3. Ride your bike or walk everywhere.
So many people pay for a monthly subway pass and a monthly gym membership. I pay for neither and am probably in better shape than they are. I got my bike from a friend for free but you can get one on craigslist for cheap.
*If it is horrible weather or you are going too far choose a subway station without an attendant where the turnstile is on the platform. Wait until the train is there and almost stopped, casually step over the turnstyle while pretending to swipe your card and run onto the train. (If you feel weird waiting for the train to come on the other side of the turnstyle you can stand near the stairs and fake a phone call until the train comes). If you are not tall enough to do this you can stand there and beg people with unlimited cards to swipe you in. Or borrow your supernice roommate's if she's not going out that night.
4. Be open to working for things, not just money.
Just like in the old days before money even existed. I modeled socks for socks and now have a huge collection of beautiful designer socks. I've worked as a hair model for free to get my hair cut or colored by top stylists at swanky salons. I've worked for hair products, clothes, sunglasses, spa gift certificates, etc. I just worked at a salon and got some shampoo and conditioner which I had to use google translater to figure out that's what it was "Balsamo idratante per capelli colorati e grossi."
5. Don't pay for cable.
You can watch anything for free on the internet. When I do want to watch something live I will get my headphones and go to the free gym in my building and sit on the exercise bike, sometimes I even pedal. If it is a popular show go to a bar and watch it with other nerds or a hotel lobby. Also there is Netflix. Now of course I don't recommend paying for a membership when you can get the instant play password from a friend. Just remember they can see all the weird stuff you watch. Ed. note: Yeah, I was liberal about giving everyone my Netflix password until American Pie: Bandcamp came up on the list of movies watched.
6. Bring an empty suitcase.
When you go home to visit your parents or go on a business trip where you know there will be an abundance of free food pack light and bring an empty suitcase if possible. When I come back from vising my parents I've got loads of Rice a Roni, Raisins, Wheat Thins, cereal, peanut butter, I even grab the Ramen. I know it's cheap but it's lightweight and easy to pack! When I came back from a business trip this week I checked an entire duffel bag full of Tropicana juices that I had gathered throughout the week.
*I can check one bag for free then I put all my actual stuff in my carry-on.
Ed. note: Be careful. I also do this with toiletries and my mother caught me in the act of putting bar soap in my suitcase. Now that I am 30, I have resolved to stop.
7. You don't really need a ticket for things.
I've snuck into the Nutcracker at Lincoln Center three years in a row, it is my own Christmas tradition. I've walked into Broadway shows multiple times. Sometimes they question me, I say, "My mom is in there, she has my ticket." It has never failed. Or just talk on your phone as you nod at them like, "Remember me? You just scanned my ticket." Ushers are out of work actors, they don't take their job seriously. They are too busy thinking "I should be up there on stage, I'm more talented than Alison Janey!" And they are probably right. (Yes I snuck into "9 to 5 The Musical" a few times). If you aren't brave enough to go at the beginning you can always wait until intermission and go in with the smokers.
You can also get in to conventions this way. Ed. note: This is anonymous,you can admit that it was Comic-Con. I've walked past those guards without a badge or waited to see what kind of stamp the workers have and made my own. I once made a red X with lipstick on my hand to get into a concert. You can also reuse tickets at some places. Check the trash around the exits and head on in.
Bonus: Opening night parties. After you've enjoyed the show follow the limos to the party location. (This is easy to do in Times Square traffic.) Walk in looking important and disgusted at the fans/groupies huddled outside. Look at the guy holding the list like "Unbelievable right?" Then look sultry and wave to someone inside the party. He will let you in. You will need Ziplocks!
8. Always be on the lookout.
For instance, in NYC things are being filmed on location everyday. That means free food is near! Take note of the signs posted around town that say what is being filmed there and when. Follow the "Holding" signs to a giant table of beautiful unlimited snacks and sometimes even lobster dinners. (See tip #1)
This includes keeping your eye out for people giving away free samples. There are free things everywhere you look; two bottles of Gatorade in Times Square! Four giant bags of McDonald's food someone had abandoned! My only regret is not taking all the ketchup packets so I could refill my bottle at home.
Last year I saw an ad for women to go on dates with millionaires. I signed up and ate very well for a few months and one of them took me to fashion week!
9. Let it be known.
Don't be ashamed of your frugality and people will look for ways to help you out. When my friend was doing a promotion in Times Square giving away samples of expensive hair products I went to meet her and she gave me a whole bag of them. My friend found a Metro card with a few bucks on it and saved it to give to me! Some wealthy women I work for have passed down their designer clothes, jewelery, purses and home decor.
Also, help people out and they will help you in return. I helped a maid in a hotel once and she gave me all the free toilet paper and tissue I could carry!
10. Never pass a trash pile without a serious look.
I find great stuff in the trash. Duane Reade dumpsters can have some pretty cool stuff after the holidays. A lot of the furniture in my apartment was found out on the street, including this beautiful secretary's desk I'm typing on now!
My neighbor came into my apartment once and it was awkward when he said, "Hey I used to have that same rug, I just threw it out!" "Oh, haha what a coincidence!"
Recent finds: Burton backpack, cool messenger bag, laundry bag, shelf organizer, a book of stamps!, jeans in my size, plastic organizing drawers (outside of American Apparel), this cool bookshelf I've wanted for years, 1/2 the books on my bookshelf, dish soap, leather knee-hi boots for Jill, new with tags shirts from New York & Co., a fan, full length mirror, an ottoman - and so many more!
Monday, March 7, 2011
In Which Miss Jill Is Invited to An Early Cinco de Mayo Party
So some of you long time readers know that my friend Stef and I are so righteous that from time to time we get hit by a little manna. In my defense, I drank that Gatorade when I was unemployed and it was really hot out. We had a similar experience with several unopened packages of Trail Mix.
Now that I have a steady income and a guaranteed Turkish meal every day, I went for quite some time without finding random food throughout the city. However, Stef and I are 2 for 2 this week.
Yesterday she told me on gchat- "story u will enjoy:
today on my way to the bathroom at the convention center i saw 4 huge bags of mcdonald's food. so i looked in them they were full of hash browns and mcmuffins (which i don't even like) i brought them home. my only regret is not taking the bag full of ketchup packets. i could've refilled my bottle at home w/ those......i hate to see a missed opportunity."
Then, lo and behold, when I got off the N train today, I realized that someone had accidentally left behind the food that they bought for a fiesta:
I didn't take it, in deference to my mother, who I was sure would hate such a thing. This is a terrible segue, but today I was on the subway and started thinking about it.
Things My Mom Hates
Garbage Pail Kids- Mom, do you even remember those?
Garage Sales/Flea Markets
The Simpsons
Bathroom Humor and any way of saying that you are going to the bathroom besides, "I am going to the bathroom." Actually, I also cringe when people say, "I gotta pee." Have some class.
Going to bed after 9:30
The word "ain't." When I was a little kid, I thought that only the most vile, insidious people on Earth would ever use that word.
WalMart
Not wearing makeup
The word "butt"
Miracle Whip
Watching G.I. Joe or Transformers if you are a girl
Teenagers
My brother told me "Whole Milk," but doesn't everyone hate that?
Now that I have a steady income and a guaranteed Turkish meal every day, I went for quite some time without finding random food throughout the city. However, Stef and I are 2 for 2 this week.
Yesterday she told me on gchat- "story u will enjoy:
today on my way to the bathroom at the convention center i saw 4 huge bags of mcdonald's food. so i looked in them they were full of hash browns and mcmuffins (which i don't even like) i brought them home. my only regret is not taking the bag full of ketchup packets. i could've refilled my bottle at home w/ those......i hate to see a missed opportunity."
Then, lo and behold, when I got off the N train today, I realized that someone had accidentally left behind the food that they bought for a fiesta:
I didn't take it, in deference to my mother, who I was sure would hate such a thing. This is a terrible segue, but today I was on the subway and started thinking about it.
Things My Mom Hates
Garbage Pail Kids- Mom, do you even remember those?
Garage Sales/Flea Markets
The Simpsons
Bathroom Humor and any way of saying that you are going to the bathroom besides, "I am going to the bathroom." Actually, I also cringe when people say, "I gotta pee." Have some class.
Going to bed after 9:30
The word "ain't." When I was a little kid, I thought that only the most vile, insidious people on Earth would ever use that word.
WalMart
Not wearing makeup
The word "butt"
Miracle Whip
Watching G.I. Joe or Transformers if you are a girl
Teenagers
My brother told me "Whole Milk," but doesn't everyone hate that?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Religious Encounters of the Miss Jill Kind (Since it is Sunday)
Unlike 99.9999% of New Yorkers, if someone is passing out a religious tract, I eagerly take it. Sometimes, if their sign is interesting enough, I even approach and ask for one. I posted this picture from the Atlantic Avenue terminal about a year ago, but I have some new readers, so I think I owe it to you to clear up any lineage questions that you might have:
Another time, I was at Columbus Circle and a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said with an intense expression, "I had a really strong feeling that I needed to talk to you."
"Ok."
"Have you ever considered the possibility of both a male and female God?"
"Sure, that seems reasonable."
She seemed surprised at that and invited me to her study group. And because I am a space cadet, I lost her flier and that opportunity forever.
This morning, I watched this video on CNN:
I was not surprised when the camera honed in on the flier and I recognized it immediately. Although I am not really sold on the concept of Rapture, I think I will stop gossiping until May 21st, just in case.
Another time, I was at Columbus Circle and a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said with an intense expression, "I had a really strong feeling that I needed to talk to you."
"Ok."
"Have you ever considered the possibility of both a male and female God?"
"Sure, that seems reasonable."
She seemed surprised at that and invited me to her study group. And because I am a space cadet, I lost her flier and that opportunity forever.
This morning, I watched this video on CNN:
I was not surprised when the camera honed in on the flier and I recognized it immediately. Although I am not really sold on the concept of Rapture, I think I will stop gossiping until May 21st, just in case.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
In Which Bieber Fever Transcends All Cultural Barriers
On Thursday I was dutifully teaching my seventh period class, when there was a knock at the door. A distraught looking fifth grade girl walked into the classroom and asked, "Can I please talk to you outside for a minute? It is really important." I think that it is important to note that I do not even teach 5th grade.
I responded, "Are you sure? We are in the middle of something."
"Yes," she nodded solemnly. "Please." I couldn't reject a child in crisis, so I followed her out the door.
"Miss," she whispered. "A Belieber* punched Selena Gomez."
"Go back to class."
* Combo of Bieber and believer-I only know this due to my occupation
I responded, "Are you sure? We are in the middle of something."
"Yes," she nodded solemnly. "Please." I couldn't reject a child in crisis, so I followed her out the door.
"Miss," she whispered. "A Belieber* punched Selena Gomez."
"Go back to class."
* Combo of Bieber and believer-I only know this due to my occupation
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Peace Treaty of the Lilliputians
When I was in fourth grade, I stood on the top riser for the elementary school Christmas program. It felt so good to luck down on everyone and sing the Dreidel song, but unfortunately, I was an early bloomer and I am still the same height (5'1"). My teenage brother, Baby Troy, has often put items out of reach and then demanded, "Jump, little hobbit, jump." Also, my friend Kristina used to call me the Pokemon, in spite of the fact that we were living in Central America and I was probably in the upper 10th percentile there. This is irrelevant, but I can also fit into shoe sizes that feature cartoon characters.
Anyway, I have felt for quite some time that seating at events should be assigned by height. And I also think that if you are taller than 6', you have no business sitting in the front row. Stadium seating is the best thing that has ever happened to my tribe. Last night Michelle Bachelet, the former president of Chile and current head of United Nations Women, gave a speech at Columbia University. I was really excited about it, so I arrived almost two hours before it began (I wasn't taking any chances). In spite of the fact that the only celebrities that I care about are political figures, the fruits of my eavesdropping made me feel like the head cheerleader at a Chess Club meeting.
Because of my early arrival, I had a pretty good seat. Bachelet entered and sat down and I had a perfect view because the two tall gentlemen in front of me were kindly angled at a V with my head in the middle. I could not believe my luck. Then, disaster struck. Out of nowhere, a brawny brunette moved in front of me and thus began a night of spinal gymnastics. Every time the Khloe Kardashian body double shifted, I had to readjust. To give you some perspective, Bachelet is my height:
I always hear tall women complaining that short women are stealing all of their men, so I suggest that, in the name of detante, stop sitting in the front row and we won't go for the 6'5" objects of your affection.
Anyway, I have felt for quite some time that seating at events should be assigned by height. And I also think that if you are taller than 6', you have no business sitting in the front row. Stadium seating is the best thing that has ever happened to my tribe. Last night Michelle Bachelet, the former president of Chile and current head of United Nations Women, gave a speech at Columbia University. I was really excited about it, so I arrived almost two hours before it began (I wasn't taking any chances). In spite of the fact that the only celebrities that I care about are political figures, the fruits of my eavesdropping made me feel like the head cheerleader at a Chess Club meeting.
Because of my early arrival, I had a pretty good seat. Bachelet entered and sat down and I had a perfect view because the two tall gentlemen in front of me were kindly angled at a V with my head in the middle. I could not believe my luck. Then, disaster struck. Out of nowhere, a brawny brunette moved in front of me and thus began a night of spinal gymnastics. Every time the Khloe Kardashian body double shifted, I had to readjust. To give you some perspective, Bachelet is my height:
I always hear tall women complaining that short women are stealing all of their men, so I suggest that, in the name of detante, stop sitting in the front row and we won't go for the 6'5" objects of your affection.
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