In Which Homework Falls From The Heavens Like Manna (Instead of free food)

It is an achievement to receive a failing grade when I am your teacher. You really have to set a goal, pursue it without wavering and tune out the annoying midwestern accent that constantly tells you what assignments you are missing. A few kids didn't do my semester project and I remind them about it every single time that I see them. Most of them gave up and did it, but there are a few stalwart homework avoiders who refuse to buckle. Let's call one of them "Dave." Dave asked me if I would just give him a 20 percent for not doing it and was surprised when I said no.

Dave ran into my classroom the other day and exclaimed with glee, "Good news! I have a project."
I raised my eyebrow at him. "How?"
"I found an unclaimed one and put my name on it. Can I have an "A" now?"
"Please elaborate on 'an unclaimed one?' "
"My other teacher showed us the projects for her class that didn't have names. I saw that one was about Cesar Chavez, so I took it."
"How can I give you credit for a project that you did not do?"
"It's mine. I claimed it. My name on it."
Another student who was eavesdropping said, "Yeah, it his. God wanted him to have that project or he would not have found it. You can't refuse God."
"This conversation is endangering my mental health."

******************************************************************************************************************************

Me: Can you please stop texting ladies from under your desk?
Student: That is the incorrect word. It is not ladies, it is shawtys*
Me: Does it really sound natural if I say, Stop texting shawtys? How do you spell that? (I really want an audio clip for this one)
Student: S-h-a-w-t-y-s, but the academic spelling is s-h-a-w-t-i-e-s

Definition from urbandictionary: Fine a** woman, or your girl.

Cherishing the Legacy of Selena, Sixteen Years Too Late

Sorry if you are on my g-chat contact list-this will be a repeat.

Watching movies with my class reminds me of the time that I saw Harry Potter 6 at the Magic Johnson theaters in Harlem. There is a lot of high volume emoting going on. We watched Selena in class the day before Thanksgiving break.

Selena and father engage in an emotional fight about her love affair with rocker Chris.
Student stands up and screams: Ima cut that old fool!
The class went crazy and just as I was about to scold them, a student contentedly smiled and observed, "This Spanish class is like a family!" Not wanting to be a crotchety old matriarch, I held my tongue.
The next day when Selena and her father had a tear-filled reconciliation, I asked, "Are you still wanting to cut that old fool?*" The student replied, "No, he tight now."

The next day when Selena met her untimely demise at the hands of her fan club president, Yolanda, a girl yelled, "Miss! Don't do us like that!"

I replied, "I'm sorry, but I was not responsible for the unfortunate death of Selena." She implored, "Look at this face! Look at this face!" I turned on the light so that I could look at her face. Tears were streaming. She looked so shaken that I was unsure if she could function for the rest of the day. Then I looked in the back row and saw a massive football player, staring forward, bravely blinking away tears.

The culprit:


* I wish that I could put audio of myself using slang. It sounds so unnatural that it is really funny.

Things That I Love On Blogs

Overshares/TMI: If you are the relative who wrote about locking your kids in the playroom in order to have trysts with your husband-props.

Really unintelligent arguments for ideas that I disagree with: Example-An emotional treatise on why people should only watch G-rated movies would be my ideal reading material.

Blogs By People In Other Hardcore Religions: I read blogs by Orthodox Jews, polygamist Muslims, Quiverfulls (people who believe in having a million children like the Duggars) and more than I am willing to admit. I decided yesterday that I need to do something about my internet research addiction.

Challenges With Mental Illness: My only personal experience with mental illness was a couple of weeks ago when I was too sad to get out of bed. It kind of scared me. Then I realized that the source of my malady was that I watched too many episodes of Mad Men in a row, as my sister had warned me against.

The older I get, the luckier I feel that I don't have any chemical imbalances or baggage or issues from childhood. It seems kind of rare. However, I am really interested in the treatment/healing process for some reason. Maybe I should have been a counselor. I think that it is great that people feel comfortable talking about their challenges, because it could be really helpful to others.

Pictures of Mormon formal wear: I especially like when they say stuff like, "It is so hard to be modest in this evil world.* Luckily, I found the cutest prom dress of all time, lol."

Said dress:



Personal vendettas: I am usually pretty careful not to air grievances on my blog, although it might make it more interesting. Luckily, not everyone shares my views on discretion.

Funny Stories-- VERY RARE

Expatriate/travel stories: Thanks Julianne and Bridget of Arabia. It isn't that season of my life right now, so it is fun for me to hear about other people's adventures.

Adults Who Make Costumes for Movie Premiers

Pictures of kids- Sorry, I am lame. I am a teacher for a reason.

Anything Involving D & D- I would actually like to watch this at some point.

Stuff That I Can Make Fun Of

* I have said this before, but I totally disagree with that statement. What is so hard about layering? Most Mormon girls I know have PLENTY of clothes.

A Few Other Things That I Hate

Retread feminist arguments- I don't necessarily disagree with all of them, but think of something original to talk about, people.

Anti-Mormons Who Keep Saying "Drink the Kool-Aid" Like It Is The Cleverest Thing On Earth: My parents weren't even married when Jonestown happened.

Taxonomy of High School Teachers

Ugh, why do I find it impossible to sleep past six? I have some Thanksgiving guests from New York and it will probably be a few hours before anyone is awake. I think that I have some secret gland that secretes coffee/speed and makes me hyper starting at 5:30 a.m. I can seriously get ten errands done before 9:00 a.m.

I have been wanting to classify high school teachers for a while, so here goes.

Teacher Archetypes

Lovable Mr. Wizard who blows stuff up and launches it into space- I hate Science and Math, but Chemistry was one of my favorite classes in high school, because my teacher was hilarious. On my 16th birthday, she pretended to get angry with me and wrote me a referral to the Dean's office. I was a huge suck up, so I was devastated. She let me walk pretty far down the hall, tears streaming down my face, when she started running after me, yelling that it was all a prank. I would totally do something like that now.

Music Teacher Who Has Nuclear Meltdowns Whenever a Performance Date Looms

The constant complainer- Everyone hates the Pollyanna coworker who praises the boss and follows the company line; a certain amount of complaining helps everyone to bond. But someone always takes it a step too far. My coworker who yelled, "Eat s@#$ and die" comes to mind.

Pedagogical Pol Pot- This individual takes pleasure from rigidly enforcing arbitrary rules in order to wield power.

The Young Hottie

The Middle Aged Prom Queen- This teacher uses students to supplant adult friendship and cares deeply about his/her popularity with the student body. When you are really young, it is harder to be an authority figure, but by your forties you should have this figured out. I student taught at two different schools and I loved the middle school because the teacher let me do everything by the second week and never came in on Fridays. Some of you readers were students there and now somehow became adults, which makes me feel old.

Then I got transferred to a high school and fell into the clutches of the worst teacher of all time. The first thing she said to me was, "I am not friends with any teachers-my friends are the kids." She fruitlessly spoke through a microphone while all of the students did their own thing. Once I teased a kid (who laughed a lot) and she told me that my joke had hurt her deeply. My BYU professor was chilling in Spain most of the time that I was there, so I got trapped.

Cynical Social Studies Teacher- I don't have an anecdote for this one, but it is common. As a former Utah Studies teacher, I usually think that these people are cool.

Foreign Language Teacher Whose Whole Curriculum is Watching "El Rey Leon" on repeat- My Spanish 2 teacher was this guy and I am proud of myself for getting good grades in Spanish 3 (possibly related to the fact that my dad is from Mexico). I recall that he had a mail order bride. A bunch of kids got angry and plotted to make fake deportation papers and leave them on his desk. It broke my heart to tell them that you can't deport a Puerto Rican. That reminds me that my American friend got deported from Mexico once. I need to get that story.

First-Year Teacher Who Constantly Cries

The Coach Who Teaches For Five Minutes and Then Lets You Talk the Rest of the Period- I have to tread carefully with this one, because my dad was a basketball coach/teacher and I'm sure that he actually taught. However, this is not the case with everyone.

Beatnik English Teacher With a Glazed Expression- This person is just biding time with teens until his poetry anthology is published. Likes to talk about the local scene. Sexually explicit works.

Veteran Teachers Who Don't Take Any Pains to Hide the Fact That They Hate Kids

You Tool

As I was walking into my apartment building yesterday, I saw an older lady intently reading something that was lovingly taped to a pole. I asked, "Is that interesting?" She shook her head and said, "Someone's car was stolen." She was very nice, but reading comprehension may not be her strong suit.

Exhibit A:


DEAR THIEF!!!!

Thanks for steeling from my car, nothing better then finding that your space has been violated.

Keep the GPS and sell it if you are so desperate.

BUT I WANT MY I-POD BACK!!! It is sentimental (that means it means something to someone).

WHY would you steal something that is 5 years old anyway???

YOU TOOL

Return the stolen merchandise before the police find you!!!

THERE ARE MANY EYES WATCHING IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. YOUR TIME WILL COME.

Leave my I-pod in front of building number 53. THANKS!

PS: Hope the bottle of water you took was refreshing.

Leaked Scientology Rap Video

As we started making fun of this, I quickly realized that it was yet another one of my encounters with hypocrisy. It took me approximately .00005 seconds to find this:

In Which I Can't Come Up With A Clever Title Because I Have To Go To Work

From the washingtonpost.com:



I'm actually surprised that Castro is so low-they must have not asked any teens.

Yet Another Inspirational Religious Story From Miss Jill

Ok, I lied. I'm still working on "Things I Like About Blogs." Unfortunately, hating on stuff comes much more naturally.

Disclaimer: I am only telling this story because I don't think that I have very many readers in DC and no one could possibly know the people mentioned.

When I lived in Honduras, the closest temple was in Guatemala City. A few times a year, the stake sponsored a trip (usually experienced in donated American school buses). In spite of its reputation, I really, really like Guatemala City. Some of the visitors are super hardcore, wake up at like five and do eight sessions a day. As soon as they are finished with one session, they run into the next. At the end of the day, everyone compares notes. I still can't believe that this happened, but once I did seven due to peer pressure.

I had flashbacks last night when I went to the DC temple. I am finished at work at 3:30, so it is pretty easy for me to swing up there before the traffic starts getting bad. I missed the 5:00 session because I was vainly looking for an ATM to get cash for clothing rental (rip-off). When I was already in the 5:30, they told me that I was the only person there, so I would have to wait until 6:00. Luckily, I had a heart to heart with a senior missionary about harvesting eyes from corpses and the time flew by. In the 6:00, a couple was going through together for the first time. She was young, foreign and very pretty, but she looked a little queasy. After about fifteen minutes, she stood up, hobbled past me with her hand on her mouth and proceeded to throw up everywhere.

Everyone froze for a minute and then the elderly workers faced the crisis with bravery. As the stench quickly filled the room, I regret to say that I was trying not to laugh. I felt horrible for her, but it was just too much in one day (crazy day at school too) and I lost it.

Things That I Hate On Blogs

On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it if you sometimes read some people's blogs just to reassure yourself that your life is interesting?

10. Pictures of people hanging out at WalMart,* playfully posing with the merchandise. Why is this so ubiquitous?

9. Mom one uppers. My sister recently had three kids under three and there were women who would write stupid stuff like, "At least your kids didn't get chicken pox and whooping cough during Christmas, when you were overwhelmed by your Etsy craft business." Actually, this is love/hate, because I love to make fun of it.

8. People complaining about being single, which I think probably goes back to my difficulties in bonding with people with low self-esteem. Let's cut to the chase and I will tell you that you are not single because you are too smart and fabulous and men are all scared of you. I don't think that there is always a reason that people are single. Smart women get married all the time.

7. Birth stories. These people are more insidious than those Population Zero hoodlums on Saturday's Warrior-sometimes I start hyperventilating when I read them. Do I really need to know that if someone had hit you on the hand with a hammer you wouldn't have noticed? Sorry if this was you.

6. Pictures of people at church singles events with the caption, "Don't you wish that you had my awesome life?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

5. Stories about good deeds in which the writer is the hero, unless something funny stuff went down.

4. People in front of Machu Picchu. I am still doing a self analysis concerning why this annoys me. I also hate creative posing.

3. Excessive use of Mormon General Authority quotes, unless they are from the Journal of Discourses.

2. A soundtrack that starts as soon as you load the page. It is embarrassing enough to be blog stalking boring chicks, but does the whole world need to know as soon as Michael Buble starts crooning from your computer?

1. People who write about inane stuff and get 5 million comments, mostly from the "The fill in the blank Family." Why? Because I am jealous!

Tomorrow: Things I Love On Blogs









* In honor of my friend who met her husband at an anti-WalMart event.

Handwriting As A Window To The Soul

At some point in elementary school, I sat down and deliberately designed my handwriting. I practiced my creation until I had mastered it. It is very unusual, so I decided that I wanted to have it analyzed by a professional. I tried to analyze it using a book, but it told me that I was an egomaniac, so I wanted a second opinion. This is the sample that I sent:



Professional analysis:

You have very interesting and very unique handwriting Jill. No wonder you were curious to have it analyzed. I want to thank you for adding in the cursive that was very helpful.

You write carefully when you put pen to paper, making sure that each word, each letter is well formed and easy to read. There is a deliberateness about your writing which reveals fore thought and creative carefulness. Your handwriting has a decorative flair to it. This probably spills over into your life.

You have just the right flair about your own person, meaning you bring your own special little flair and style to how you decorate your space, home and/or working space and on your own person.

You are intensely independent, not wishing to be financially or emotionally dependent on anyway; quite wanting to stand on your own 2 feet.

Certain structures in the writing reveal that you are organized too. NO

You have a love of travel and you will bend yourself at times to keep harmony and keep the peace with others.

You are good with your hands, very good hand eye coordination is showing.

You are efficient, able to find the shortest most efficient way to get a project done.

You also appreciate efficiency in others.

You can speak directly.

Do you feel yourself to be quite an honest person? I don't understand why this is a question

You are a heart centered person, friends and family are very important to you. You are careful with setting boundaries with others to make sure you have just enough elbow room or personal space around you.

Carry a Kleenex because you are likely to cry at sad movies and Hallmark commercials. Rocky IV

Control and having control and being in control make you feel safe in your world, and is where you are most comfortable navigating in the world.

You would far rather plan than be spontaneous. You like routine,

You were feeling optimistic about something at the time of writing.

There is a conventionality about you, you will conform to what is expected and will also conform to social norms and customs.

At your convenience, let me know what you thought of your mini analysis today. I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you for your trust and allowing me to partner with you today in taking a look at your handwriting.

I am curious if people who know me think that this is accurate.

Notes From The Commune

Since falling victim to a botched colonoscopy, I have been somewhat skeptical of modern medicine. Will I ever give birth in a blow-up tub with Yanni Live at the Acropolis playing quietly in the background? No way! Am I willing to try weird stuff to stave off quotidian boredom? Absolutely. Disclamer: I am generally pretty healthy, so I might not be the best test subject.

My Experience With Alternative Medicine

Acupuncture: I only tried it once and I couldn't feel anything happening.

Aztec Healing Clay: It is a pulsating mud masque that supposedly pulls impurities out of you. I put it on my face and within hours, I had a massive acne cyst on my eyebrow.

Chinese Foot Patch: This supposedly pulls toxins out of your body and into the foot patch.

Chinese Reflexology Foot Rub: Sort of relaxing, but I didn't see any huge health improvements.

Colonic Irrigation: I'm not explaining what this is-you can google it if you are curious. My roommate called and made an appointment under my name, because she wanted to try it and wanted someone to go with her. I ended up going with her and the woman who performed the procedure told me that I needed to have child sized equipment. Not the best day of my life.

Evil Eye Jewelry: I have received a lot of interesting gifts from Turkish people. Although I am not completely certain, I don't seem to have a hex on me. I am pretty sure that there is not a good reason for anyone to be jealous of me, so I am pretty safe.

Iridology: In iridology someone stares into your eye and tells you what is wrong with you. My neighbor at BYU was a practitioner and diagnosed me with gallbladder problems. I have not had any symptoms in ten years, so I suppose the results are inconclusive.

Muscle Testing: Chiropractors do this to test for allergies. They put something in your hand (like a vial of wheat germ or something) and press down on your arm. If your body is intolerant, your arm will collapse. If not, it will stay firm. We did this for hours when I was in college. We tested its legitimacy by placing car coolant in a girl's hand and pressing down. Then we decided that it could tell the future and tried to discern everyone's year of marriage. My friend became very depressed when she got 2006 (it was 2003), but she is still not married so maybe things would have turned out differently if she had shown some faith.



Raw food cleanse: After several weeks of strict adherence, my very regular period refused to come (sorry mixed audience, but I have told this story before). My co-workers started calling it my immaculate conception problem. I got annoyed and ate a piece of pizza and it started almost immediately.

Reiki: The inspiration for this post, because I actually did it on Monday. Definition: "Reiki is an energy medicine practice that originated in Japan. In Reiki, the practitioner places his hands on or near the person receiving treatment, with the intent to transmit ki, believed to be life-force energy." You may have seen Reiki performed by a homeless guy on Modern Family. It was so weird, because I could feel all this movement inside of my body and a few times I had such sharp sensations that I looked up to see if the girl was touching me and she wasn't. When it was over, I was so relaxed that I was afraid to drive. Maybe it is psychological or maybe my chakras are now perfectly in line.

If you are curious about trying anything, but too scared, tell me and I will do it and report back. My only inhibitions are that I don't like to get weighed or use hallucinogens.

To conclude, I would like to share another comment from a student paper on Hugo Chavez: "He judged at beauty pageants, not saying he was the prettiest person to be juding other people's beauty."

In Which Getting Fridaed Means Much More Than Just Having One Eyebrow

I am going to be straight with you-as much as I love teens, sometimes I wish that my job were a little more intellectually demanding. I am pretty sure that even if someone slipped me a roofie, I could still properly teach present tense verb conjugations. The good thing about Spanish is that you can sometimes weave culture and history into the curriculum, which I do whenever I start getting bored. I have taught in four very different environments: 1. Mostly white, mostly Mormon, gifted talented kids in Utah 2. Upper-class Hondurans 3. Turkish Muslims 4. All black Catholic school and I will tell you right now, interest in the Cuban Revolution is universal. Everyone likes to talk a little Che.

For the past few days, all of the students have had to do a short speech with a visual aid about a famous Spanish speaking person. Although nothing can possibly beat the epic academic dishonesty of the Turkish school ("Miss, Turkish people cheat so much because they are more clever than American people. We are cunning, like a fox." REAL QUOTE), there have been a few power points cut and pasted from Wikipedia with hyperlinks still visible.

I am always happy when I see some signs of originality like "Hugo Chavez is very full of himself for such an ugly guy." Yesterday one of the girls did a presentation on Frida Kahlo. One of her power point slides had a picture of Frida and Diego with the caption, "THEIR MARRIAGE WAS HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was forced to agree with that astute observation.

As you know, in addition to her marital issues, poor Frida was in a bus/trolley accident in which she was was impaled by a metal handrail. One of the students in that class has a sports injury and has to use metal crutches. They were on the floor and one of the girls got up to throw something away. She tripped on the crutches, but caught herself. One of the boys gasped and exclaimed, "We almost had another Frida situation on our hands!"

In Which Telemundo Needs A Visit From The ACLU

I have seen some pretty crazy stuff go down on Mexican television, but nothing beats what I witnessed at a hole in the wall taqueria a few days ago. Someone had put on one of those judge shows and it caught my attention when I realized that the defendant was a Mexican in an Orthodox Jew costume:



Forgive my horrible camera phone work. I switched tables just so I could watch. It was an alimony case between "Isaac" and "Raquel" and a key witness was an expert in adult toys.

Raquel:



What???????????????????????????????????????

In Honor of the Barrage of New York City Marathon Status Updates

I was super happy when I realized that I still had this picture. When I was at the Turkish school, one of my co-workers was especially proud of his marathon participation. The week before the marathon, he took the picture below with all of his medals, made a dozen copies and hung them up around the school:




I thought that this unparalleled demonstration of hubris was so funny that I stole one and hung it up in my apartment for several months.

In Which You Would Be Scared to Meet Me in a Dark Alley

Unless you are reading this from Kanab, I am probably not the first person you think of when you hear the words “street cred.” So imagine my surprise when I was walking through the hall the other day and ran into some of my Spanish 3 students. They immediately flashed the sign below and started chanting, "West side, Wagner (my last name)! West side, Wagner!"



As this loving tribute has continued throughout the week, I have been grateful to realize that a W last name is good for something besides going last on the elementary school fitness tests.

In Which Miss Jill Wonders What Goes On At Disneyland lstanbul

This post contains adult themes.

My most odious coworker to date was a Turkish* guy that we will call "Mr. D." I don't make a practice of dissing on non-strangers on my blog, but trust me, he is an extreme case. Mr. D. was a self proclaimed expert on American culture and tried to showcase his knowledge in daily conversations. His favorite phrases were, "Gone in sixty seconds" and "Show me the money!" If you happen to be American, please take a second to ask yourself how many times you have used either phrase. However, he was very resistant to any insight actual Americans had on our culture or language.

Once he said, “The** Miss Jill, let me tell you joke. There was this lady and she wanted to find movie for her son birthday party. She go to movie place and ask for the Mickey movie. She got the Mickey movie and brought it to the birthday party. Then she put the Mickey movie in the DVD player and the kids were in shock. The lady say, ‘I did not want this kind of Mickey movie! Hahahahahahhahahaha!’”
Confused, I said, “Huh? I’m sorry, Mr. D., but I do not understand your joke.”
“What do you mean you do not understand joke? It is very funny.”
“I don’t. What do you mean by Mickey movies?”
“All American people call porno movies Mickey movies. Everyone knows this thing.”
"Uhhhh.... I have never heard that before."

I walked away laughing, because what kind of thing is that to say in a conservative Muslim work environment? I am very hesitant to argue with anyone about anything, since I was defeated by my entire class on the pronunciation of "colonel" in 1996. And General Conference is pretty much the only time that I even think about the concept, so I was not confident in my vocabulary. First, I looked it up in Urban Dictionary, which has never let me down. Nothing. Then I asked some friends of ill repute. Still nothing. I can only conclude that some mean spirited person made that up and taught it to him as a joke.

* I generally like Turkish people. This man is not a reflection of his country.
** Not a typo.